I remember you, somewhere along the lines.
The images of your camera which touch everything that move.
Living and frozen through you soul.
Did I lost something when I felt I’m losing you?
Every time I’m remembering those frozen touch of yours.

Those very eyes.

That carry me to some gray land.
Deserted by your beauty of memory.

For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am she whose wedding is great,
and I have not taken a husband.
I am the bride and the bridegroom,
and it is my husband who begot me.
I am the solace of my labor pains.
I am senseless and I am wise.
Come forward to childhood,
and do not despise it because it is small and it is little.
And do not turn away greatnesses in some parts from the smallnesses,
for the smallnesses are known from the greatnesses.

I am the one who is honored, and who is praised,
For I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shame and boldness.
I am shameless; I am ashamed.
I am control and the uncontrollable.
I am strength and I am fear.
I am war and peace.
Give heed to me.
I am the substance and the one who has no substance.
But I, I am compassionate and I am cruel.
Do not hate my obedience
and do not love my self-control.
I am the union and the dissolution.
But I am she who exists in all fears
and strength in trembling.
I am she who is weak,
and I am well in a pleasant place.
And I am an alien and a citizen.
I am the substance and the one who has no substance.
I am the silence that is incomprehensible
and the idea whose remembrance is frequent.
I am the voice whose sound is manifold
For I am the first and the last.

taken from olivia lopez

sejauh mana sebenarnya kita sebagai perempuan bertahan dan mempertahankan hidup kita. mengapa membaca kartini akhir-akhir ini membuat saya tetap ingin menangis. apakah tidak ada yang berubah dalam sejarah kita. mengapa kita berbagi kesakitan-kesakitan yang sama.

yang di kepala saya adalah pertanyaan yang terulang dan terulang kembali. tanda tanya hilang dan hanya berputar di arus waktu, serta gugatan atas tubuh. atas kendali tubuh dan ruang yang sedang saya lakukan.

ah, hanya kedirian ini yang akhirnya saya pertahankan. lalu anak saya, yang berlari-lari menyambut saya di pintu rumah serta mencari kehangatan di dada saya. dari banyak hal, hal inilah yang seringkali membuat saya menangis haru dan melangkah maju.

paringono gusti.