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Astrid Reza

Penulis. Peramu. Pejalan.
A Writer. A Nomad Gatherers.

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When I dive deeper I know that I had soften my edges. I do not think that self studying yourself is an act of selfishness. To know thy self is to love one self fully. An amount of care for your own self when you have been the ones that has been spending your life taking care of others is such an important realization. To make time for yourself and appreciate your own magic. To say I love you and hug yourself ❤️ As a mother of one, I have always been disturbed with the notion of single parenthood. It is impossible to just rely on yourself in raising a child, no matter how strong you are. Trust me, it will break you to pieces and shatter your heart instead of learning nourishing the self. Let alone others when you are badly wounded. I had my share of vulnerabilties and learn hard lessons when I do not speak my needs and asked for help. Or with this realization of doing it alone. It has been a fight against abandoning myself on the open. Of putting too much on my shoulder to carry on. Of letting my heart break open from time to time. And keep it open amidst the pain, among the personal and being part of the ancestral or collective wound. I see and recognize my strength which eventually comes when I soften myself. I still find it hard to communicate my important feelings to other when am always on guard on survival mode on. I don’t wallow in self pity, and fully knowing, fully owning my choices in life. I love my freedom and my ability to keep on moving throughout throughout. I always tried to balance allthough it does felt like juggling life most of the time. I learn not to be perfect in honing my skills to be understood. To be vulnerable in front of others when words cannot convey my feelings to them. I do write better. I wrote pages of journals and unsent letter for my own sake. I dance for my own process and progress. I create things to channel my energies. I pray to connect with the source. Being all in the element of natures made me understand the cycle of life that we could not resist. There is season of everything. This season has just begun 🌱🌱🌱 #reflection #gentleness #being #vulnerabilities #sonamlosar #towardspigyearahead #3thcycle #selflove #2019

03. BURNING THE MEMORY OF SHAME Lately I felt this burning shedding skin all over my being. I have been embracing back my inner fire and having no shame in having my fire burning. It is literally what keep me alive. It is what keep us human live. Our relationship with fire has been one of our longest survival mechanism. Its when we have the ability to create our own light. Warm our bodies and heart. Where we cook on fire, feed and nourish ourselves. Where we gather, tell stories and dance. Its where we create rituals. Its is also what cremate us back to dust when we die and move on. Those both ability of creation and destruction. I had been told to have, lived and breath fire too much in my life. I burn myself, I do, it might be my weakness and it make me sometimes sick with myself. Made me felt ashamed for being who I am. In my most true element of my own life. Dancing through the fire element of @centehua.sage #elementalembodiment course has reconnect myself with FIRE. I have been putting this element down in my life, for the fear of much being seen, for fear that I burn people I care, for being misinterpret of having too much passion and emotion in life, for even loving someone fiercely and fiery. For feeling too much about so many things. And now this is what I shed: THE FEAR of BEING MYSELF. I seen snakes and dragons in dream lately. In my full circle, my spiral down and upward. And coiling up, I felt am embracing my fire element back and breath my fire back to live. In my core, I live in my elements and FIRE has been my best trusted one. Tracing back through movement medicine, I let it burn my SHAME of not being who I am. Of has been neglecting what has always been through and true for me. And in this dance of fire, it lies my own medicine. LOVE YOURSELF dearly and courageously. Believe at your own MAGIC✨✨✨🔥🔥🔥 #selflove #noshame #dancemedicine #movementpractice #movementismedicine #backtothesacred #sacredfire #innerfire #dancingtheelements Thank you for @goldenawakening and @xbungarumputx for making me posting this at 3AM in the morning ❤️✨💃🏽🔥 #ownyourhealing

02. BLOOD MEMORY They said its all in the blood. Its all in the blood. I finally did the #mooncup switch last week. I give time this month for experiencing this switch, wrote journals entries on these days and even going very slow in every sensation I felt during this period. Emptying my schedule and just be in it. I fear and actually freaking out nearing the days of my period. I guess it is just this anxiety of going into change. Conciously I know I should make the switch related to all the waste that I have been making during my last 24 years bleeding myself on this earth, but seriously I asked myself, what do I actually fear? Why do we fear in getting in touch with our own blood so much? How did us women become so disconnected in knowing our own cervix? How did we disconnect with our own womb? I start to get it on the moment I pour my blood to the earth, to my cactus plant. This is what we fear: Embracing our own power. The power to give back to our mother earth. The power of change. The power of knowing our natural cycle, of birth and death. That I have the ability to offer back part of myself to nature. I was startled that it took me 288 moon cycles, to gain back my power as a wom(b)an. For me to understand my intuitive knowledge. I never experience my period as good as this. I embrace my bloatedness, my expansion, my watery emotions, my fear of being seen at my most vulnerable moment of my cycle, I embrace those moments in life that has to die on me at every moon, I release them through my own blood literally. I gave it all back to nature to process them while I naturally process mine. I honor and respect my own womb, in processing all these energies of creation, of death inside of me. Literally emptying my cup for renewal. And in this dance I offer, offering all those bloody moments that I forgot my own power and shame myself, on how the world had shame their women in knowing themselves. As a wisdom keeper of their own sacred blood. #dancemedicine #mooncupdiaries #mooncycle #moontime #memories #ancestralhealing #movementismedicine #embracing #menstrualcup #menstrualcycle #intuitiveknowledge #ownyourhealing #ownyourpower #collectivewound

01. MEMORY OF RED I felt the expansiveness in my first moon cycle day. I felt like wearing a red grandmother dress for myself. Its not my grandmother’s but it is surely from somebody’s grandmother that I got it in a secondhand shop. I suddenly remember the exes who never like me wearing red. They say when I wear red, I am too bold. Being a woman in this current life, has been full of that comments. Don’t be too bold in living. Don’t show yourself up. Don’t be yourself. Don’t be too brave. The many don’t has been ingrain in this one head. The many limitations we put unto ourselves. The many self critic and self denying. Moving practices has been such a deprogramming of my feminity. Of my masculinity. Of me finding my own balance to find and know myself. Of my nurturing warrior woman self. Of being brave. Of being able to speak out. Of finding my voices and helping others find their own too. Of me embracing both of my shadows and light. Of me living my own contradiction of the self, which now I know just as the part of my own cycle of living. My own contraction and expansion in order to keep on growing. Even regressing to the darkness is fine too in retracing our self. Your journey is yours alone to walk upon. Nobody is going to do it for you. I am my grandmothers. I am all of them women. Since I come from a womb and bear life in my womb. I birth and rebirth myself. I die and resurrect in myself. For all the woman in me, for all the women before me and all that future women, I dance and live through movement. For myself, I vow and commit in staying true. I embraced the I, in red, in my bloodlines and offer my #danceoffering among the fire and earth of my soul, I flow✨✨✨ #dancemedicine #honoringthecycle #honoringthesacred #backtothesacred #risingfeminine #red #mooncycle #movementpractice #ownyourhealing #healingmedicine #movementismedicine #breakingthepattern #ancestralwoundhealing

RELEASING all endings in all forms. Letting all go. WALKING away from reactions and fear base realities. Back to STILLNESS centered self. EMBRACE new beginnings. BALANCING the light and shadow. ALLIGNING slowly with natural CYCLES. May all of us given the strength to carry on in our own pace and breath. May gentleness find space in our hearts. May kindness to ourselves move through the newness vibrations. For all the gratitude and lessons of 2018. Thank you, Eloprogo, for its river spirit blessings. Thank you for the space of contemplations in the early days of 2019. #movingthrough #release #embrace #contraction #expansion #2019 #java #jawa #river #magic #movement #practice #dancemedicine #recalibration #reallignment #ancestor #spirit #menjadijawa #beingjavanese #rituals #oldandnew #guided

Practicing movement and dancing my heart out has been my lesson in finding my own grace through my own shadows. Exploring the feminine within has never been a pretty journey. Early on in my childhood, my head was programmed that showing my feminine qualities is equal at being weak. I become a tomboy since my first sexual harrashment as a defence mechanism of a six years old girl. Losing her innocence through the hands she trust the most, through the hands who supposed to protect them and made her have to learn to protect herself very early on. Showing the world that in order to be strong, you have to show your masculine qualities and supressing the feminine. And I pretty much go through that phases till my early 20s. Oh, how fucked up the way we were taught. Being an unprepared 25 year old young mother, teaches me and initiate me to my feminine qualities. My own resilence strong body. The flexibilities of my heart, my unconditional love. I became somebody who bear and gave life to my son. Motherhood at the lost of my own mother made me understand what it meant. I have no shame in being honest about myself. And I am not willing to be put in shame on being my true self. The way we run these world today by repressing what is natural in us, has fucked up our entire system of living being. How we do not appreciate our feminine and at lost even to connect with our own earth mother. Inside all of us. It has been a journey to hell and back to find myself. It has been a war within that stir my multidimensional realities. Movement is life. Water is flow. I have been moving with all the watery energies since fullmoon. Since integrating and embracing all my moons and cycles. I let nature be my most natural guide of all. Because in the darkness of her womb we find them shining the most with LIFE 🌕🌙❤️ #channeling #warriorwithin #rising #wave #risingofthefeminine #healing #womb #water #dancemedicine #movementmedicine #motherhood #femininepower #balancing #recalibrating #highervibrations #waterdance #elementalembodiment #womenrising

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astridreza in Uncategorized January 10, 2001February 21, 2013 51 Words

Writing through Dying

i just want to write without caring or without anybody cares
don’t give the reason to write and don’t give the opinion how to write
i’m dying on existence, i’m dying on extension, i’m dying without definition
i have no reason, i have no patient, i have no satisfaction
i’m human?

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